If you don’t want to sleep with you, why would you think someone else would?

Updated on January 11, 2022 in Men
2 on November 15, 2021

So, I’ve heard more and more lately from people irl about incels, female dating strategy, and black-pilled dating culture. I really feel like people subscribed to these ideas are missing this simple ideal:

If you wouldn’t sleep with you, why would you expect someone else to want to?

I boiled it down to this because the other day a friend of mine tried to simplify it like this:

Just lower your expectations.

I take issue with this. I think lowering your expectations leads to misery. I think incels need to raise their expectations. Raise your expectations of the partner you’re looking for, and ask yourself if you deserve that. If not, its time to raise your expectations of yourself. By raising your expectations you will (for most people) become the ideal partner for the person you’re trying to attract.

Am I wrong? Is it as simple as settling for someone you don’t really want?

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1 on December 28, 2021

So about this I highly recommend for you to keep the thought, “If you wouldn’t sleep with you, why would you expect someone else to want to?” At the back of your head, trust me, keeping a quote like this as a reminder great for improving upon yourself. 

In the past I personally have had experiences with lingering moments of sadness (borderline depression), however, a nihilistic like quote has led me to feel less and less from the external pressure. Such quote goes as follows, “Without pain life becomes meaningless, making death the same.” This quote struck a cord within me and whenever I’m struck with sadness or dealt pain I come to remember this passage and it has really helped me.

Yes, lowering your expectations does lead to being with someone you have no connection to, whilst bringing your expectations up too high would leave you to come off as snobby, you’ll also only be chasing those who don’t want you.

I slightly disagree with you by raising expectations. If you’re trying to attract someone the first thing you must do is think of what you’ve said before. Then, start improving yourself off of your own flaws, if you’re quite chubby, start losing weight (fight me if I’m body shaming you damn woke liberal), if you’re socially awkward (I used to be like this), then be more outgoing and start having fun around people, they’ll notice these small changes. Once you’ve raised your standards a bit after working on yourself then girls would take interest (not head over heels, more like they’ll see you as a good partner), the rest would be up to you my friend.

It’s not wrong to settle for someone you don’t want. Sometimes, you need to help yourself and tell yourself, ‘stop, I don’t want this.’ However, if you’re ever stuck in a situation where you’re with a person you don’t really connect with then make a connection, start having fun around them instead of trying to come off as cool, they’d rather have a fun, loving guy then a serious macho man. The worst thing when it comes to dating is not getting to know the person before you start going out, that just makes communicating awkward and ends up leading nowhere.


on January 11, 2022

So, you’ve clearly come at this in a more balanced way than I have, which was on purpose, but you’ve made some really good points.

Id sum it up as such (which I’ve thought before and should’ve accounted for): you should raise you’re expectations, from yourself and the world, but not toxicly so.

I was trying to target this at the incel conversation, but I like the way you took it. My comments were framed to highlight the “low end” of the self esteem spectrum (incels specifically, which tend to be male), but you make a good point about the FACT that this can be taken to an unacceptable extreme (GIGA CHAD BROS AND THE FEMALE EQUIVALENT).

I would say my statements were aimed with a top end in mind, but not properly expressed. So, I would say, based on your feedback, everything I said in the OP, with the caviat of, “hey man, take this advice, but don’t go so far as to be a dick. Okay? Thanks. You’re great, raise your expectations, don’t use that as an excuse to unfairly judge partners that don’t work for you specifically.”

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